Growing up is a journey marked by the weight of new responsibilities, and the more we find ourselves responsible for, the more the unfamiliar can feel like a heavy burden.
This week, I had to grapple with the painful realisation that I felt unsafe around certain people – people who are not just friends but also family. It was a heart-wrenching moment because, in my heart, I had always considered them my refuge. It struck me even harder when I found myself yearning to return to Nigeria, my homeland, a place where I've always felt the safest.
After a year away, I am saying to myself “Nigeria was my haven.” I am both surprised and confused that its taken one year for me to come face to face with the growing pains accompanying the act of moving away from home.
It seems like the initial excitement of a new place is starting to fade away, leaving me face to face with the profound sense of foreignness that surrounds me. I'm tasked with forming new bonds and learning how to communicate in ways I hadn't anticipated. Back home, I had already invested time and effort in building these connections, so starting from scratch can feel incredibly frustrating.
Moreover, the people I'm interacting with here are different from my dear friends back home – friends I miss dearly, longing to share simple moments like lazy days in bed, brunch outings, or beach escapades.
In this whirlwind of new experiences, I've come to understand that amidst all the hype and excitement, I've both experienced hurt and caused pain to others. This, too, is a new dimension of life that I'm learning to navigate. It's a kind of hurt that feels unfamiliar, a rhythm I haven't grown used to. This type of pain challenges me to step out of my comfort zone.
As someone who tends to avoid confronting emotional discomfort, my natural instinct is to run away from it all and seek refuge in the familiar. But here's the reality check: there's no running away when you're thousands of miles apart. The only option is to go through it, to face it head-on, to break out of the shell that's kept me sheltered.
So, what am I doing to break free from this shell?
1. I'm fleeing from selfishness aka self preservation. Recently, my pastor emphasized that our lives are meant for more than just our personal satisfaction and comfort. It struck a chord with me, making me realise that I had grown super comfortable in Nigeria. Now, I'm grappling with the discomfort of newness. I need to give myself the chance to evolve, to learn and unlearn, and to recognize that we're all navigating this uncharted territory together.
2. I'm asking myself, "Why would she do that?" Lately, I've found myself reevaluating the dynamics of my relationships. In the past, the rules that governed my relationships didn't account for family members. We had lived apart for so long that certain behaviours were deemed unacceptable and it was fine because my friends and I had a mutual understanding. But now, with these new people I'm understanding that actions and intentions can be vastly different, and my brain is relearning the associations it once made so effortlessly.
3. Perhaps one of the most challenging things I've had to do is to recite , "Love holds no score of wrong." It comes from the verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. This mantra is particularly useful when I'm faced with someone who has hurt me, and my initial response is fear and avoidance, as a protective shield. I'm working on forgiving and starting interactions with a clean slate, repeating to myself that I keep no score of wrong so I can enter every interaction on a clean slate. It's a tough lesson, but it's a crucial one.
How do you deal with the newness that life throws your way?
In this shared journey of growing pains, I find solace in knowing that we're all learning, evolving, and facing our own unique challenges.
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